+Hi Saturdayers, ironically my partner in justice, Nico Humby, wrote about the amazing band "Grizzly Bear" and my post will be about how to avoid being eaten by them. This is very useful so write it down or literally die ( seriously, bears do kill people, I read about it in a book once. ) See bears are very tricky creatures, you may have a false perception of them already. Winnie the Pooh is a fictional character. Though I am not sure if they have a strange addiction to natural honey, I am almost certain that they will rip your face off and eat your insides. Before reading this I will go over some key rules to always remember when surrounded by a bear gang such as The Bernstein Bears.


+Rule number one: Do not pet a bear ... just don't ever do this.
+Rule number two: Do not hug a bear, they are not sensitive and shows of affection will only lead to your certain death.
+Rule number three: Do not kiss a bear. Naturally that's just gross and hella weird.
+Rule number four: Bears are the spawn of Satan. Is this a rule? Yes, it's a rule.

Now if you have followed the four steps above your most likely to have made no progress in reaching safety. So, you must take action. First, always know where you are to avoid stumbling upon a bear ghetto. These bears are highly dangerous and kill things, lots. When camping remember to hide all your food because bears are crusty thieves and will follow your scent and eat you along with your food. Like before-dinner buns. If your hiking in the wilderness, wear a bell. This strange fashion item will scare the bear, I have no idea why. It just does trust me. Most animals are protective of their fetus jailbreaks also known as "babies." Bears kill anything that touch their young so leave tiny bears alone. Finally, if you are in bear territory, run away.

Hopefully by training yourselves in the art of " How to Avoid Being Eaten By Bears" you will live through a bear attack. ( This post is extremely fictitious and incorrect, do not use this as a serious training method. )

Serious Links are located below:

BEAR SAFETY ( FOR REAL )

Labels: Bear Safety, Funny, Parody, Training